Life is fine. Im at a point where I can't complain.

Classes are fine. The few friends I have are fine. Family is fine. Everything is just...fine.

And yet still, I feel horrible. Miserable, really. Everyday, I force a smile and joke around, still being same old life-of-the-party, non-stop laughs Chris. But inside, Im kinda hurting, and I have no idea why.

Yeah, Im still lonely. Yeah, I know that Im going to spend the better part of my life single. Yeah, I would take a hug over anything else in the entire world at this point. But frankly, it doesn't upset me anymore. Im a lonely geek. Im well aware, and have fully accepted (and am comfortable with) that concept by now. Its not what has me bummed.

I suppose it could be that the nightmares and headaches have returned. A while back, I was getting night terrors whenever I slept, and headaches whenever I was awake. Though after a while, the pain (both mental and physical) seemed to vanish, and things sorta kicked ass again. But recently, both the dreams and pains returned. And it sucks. Like...really sucks. Im talking uber suckage.

Though it could also be my friends. My "Oh, Im sorry! Im busy. Why not have a rain check, which Im most likely going to avoid in hopes that you'll forget later on?" friends who don't seem to have five and a half seconds to hang out with me. Once again, like the lonliness, this is something in life that I simply have to accept.

I suppose I am only writing this journal as a means to vent. i mean, life is never going to change. The headaches will never stop. The night terrors will always be there. I'll always feel lonely. Its simply a fact of life. But I suppose since all the "TV Doctors" say "Write it down! You'll feel better!", I figure its worth a shot.

I don't much feel better, but...eh. I guess its out there now.

I really wish i could go back almost 5 years to 20 year old Chris and tell him so many things. "Treat Lauren like the queen she deserves to me treated like, and enevr let her go." "Keep your friends close. Don't bitch to them and alienate them." "Work harder on your RPs to keep your RP friends."

Its just one of those "I really wish I would have known then what I know now." Then I could have either a.) Worked harder to keep my happy life, or b.) Give up early to avoid all this heartache bullshit now.

Either way, Im sure I would feel alot better then I do now.

*shrugs*